Where do I start. I guess at the beginning. It's been 14 months of wanting, praying, and waiting for a positive. A positive pregnancy test that is. 14 times to see a negative. 14 months of hoping and thinking 'this may be the month'.
When Cory and I made the choice to start growing our family we didn't think it would take this long. Of course you wouldn't say to yourself yeah lets start getting ready for a baby 'cause you know it will take two years. Um no. Nobody would say that. And neither did I. I was convinced, like 100% convinced we'd have a baby in our arms within the year. But months, a year, went by and still nothing. So after many prayers, probably more tears, and some googling that wasn't helpful, we decided that I should go to the doctors. After some test it was confirmed. I have PCOS. Polyscystic Ovarian Syndrome is a problem in which a woman's hormones are out of balance. It can make getting pregnant difficult. Definitely not what I wanted to hear. But at least a little answer as to why things haven't happened.
We are still wanting, praying, and planning that one day soon we will see those two little pink lines. But I've made some changes in my life that are helping during this time. I've made more time in my day to just be thankful. I'm learning that by rejoicing and identifying little blessings (and big) have made me trust the Lord more. Rejoicing is a way to practice my faith. I know God can do big things. I've seen it. I'm seeing it now. Everywhere I look I can find a promise from the Lord carried out.
The emotions that come from months of waiting and hoping can be exhausting. There's this line in a Harry Potter movie (I know, but just hear me out) that describes it well. Hermoine is describing to Ron and Harry about how this other girl is probably feeling. Ron's response was "someone can't feel all of that at one time, they'd explode!". Pretty much sums up how I had been feeling over some of those months. So many emotions and sometimes all in one day. With all those emotions doubt was definitely in there. Doubt is bad. It's mean. It's a thief. It robs us of the joy we can be having now. It steals away moments of peace and replaces them with stress. It's not good for my body nor my relationships.
So I'm practicing. Practicing being thankful. Practicing to fill my body and my moments with the positive thoughts. Filling my spaces with joy and trust and faith. It's work at times but I think it's getting easier. It may take us 14 more months to get pregnant but I'll learn more and I'l have time to practice this.
I'm going to start these little diaries you can say about our road to baby. I'm learning so much that I don't want to forget. This time has been hard, but a time I wouldn't have changed.
Here's to embracing the now and the positive // leah
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