It does get better

August 28 2016

Every mom and grandmother I spoke to during those first few weeks would tell me, it gets better. Really? I don't believe you. You just like to say that because you think it will make me feel better. While in the throes of the sleep deprivation, adjusting to my changing body, and the constant-constant nursing, I didn't believe them.

Sure, it got better for you. But my baby is just crankier, fussier, [insert any negative adjective] than yours was. It may have gotten better for you, but it'll be like this till he's one. I really let myself believe that. Or really, I didn't let myself have hope that it would get better. Whatever better meant.

Nursing would be better, I'd love my body more, he'd be happier, he'd sleep longer... pssh. Whatever. I would say and think. Pretty negative and totally not like me. But that was where I was at. It was hard believing those, with their nice little grins, and glimmers of hope in their eye. I thought I was figuring things out with nursing, or with sleep, and then my tricks just wouldn't work anymore. I think my hopeless attitude would have continued except for one event I couldn't try and control. I had to go back to work.

The week before I had to go back, I had a little heart to heart with myself. Everything is going to be okay. And even if it's not better, that's okay, because we are doing okay. I told myself this over and over until I actually started believing it. I had to let go of my worries, my obsessions with his sleep, my grumblings of how tired I was. I had to let it go. Now, two weeks into being a working mom I've realized they were right. They were right all along.

Things have gotten ... better. He's growing and learning so much and can do so much more than he could a few weeks ago. He's sleeping a little better, he's happier; I feel like I'm a pro at nursing and I do feel more normal with this body of mine. I'm still just as tired, if not more; he doesn't nap any better, but overall he's happier and so am I.

I only wish I would have listened to all those veteran moms who told me it would be better. I might have enjoyed those months off with him a little more. I may not have broken down in tears as often. I may not have [whatever]... but you know what? I just couldn't. I couldn't believe them because I was living it day in and day out. It was hard to see any change when everyday seemed the same. Being a first time mom is hard, like really hard. And it isn't all sleeping babies and cute outfits; it's crying over little things that you can't control, questioning your actions every single day, but loving so deeply you can't not do it all over again the next day.

So to new moms out there who may be struggling like I did, I'm not going to tell you it gets better. I'm going to tell you that it's freaking hard work, those first few months. I'm going to tell you that you are doing a damn good job at it. I'm going to tell you that your baby is adorable and that you are beautiful. I'm going to pray for you that sleep happens and that those around you give you grace. I'm going to give you a hug and smile because now I know, it does get better. And soon you'll see that. But for now, give yourself grace, lots of love, and keep pressing on.

// leah

Monthly Lewis 4

August 20 2016

Oh our Lewis!! How you are just growing so much! This last month has really been the most fun we've had. I truly can't believe we are here in this stage. A rolly-polly baby who can't stop chatting and can't stop smiling.

Our Lewis LOVES to grab his feet. He does it any chance he gets. He even does it when he's crying, waiting for me to change his diaper. That makes us laugh because he is so upset at those times, but so cute trying to hold onto his toes. He's outgrowing his clothes, currently comfortable in 6 mo sizes. He's wearing size 3 diapers.

He's also mastered holding his head up so much that we bought him a bouncer to start playing in. He really loves the freedom it has brought him. He's always loved to be in an upright position, so he became best friends with that jumper right away.

He can roll from tummy to back, when he's in the right mood. He doesn't love tummy time and sometimes he'll just lay his head down and cry. Oh buddy, life takes work sometimes!

He is drinking out of bottles like a boss. We do one every night. I've noticed I may have to start supplementing because he is just eating so much! I can't seem to keep up with him.

This month has brought some changes to his sleeping pattern too. Good and bad. He's still a crap napper, only taking 20 minute naps, or napping longer but in my arms. However, he is now finally enjoying carriers and will nap while I walk! This has been such a beautiful thing. He also learned to put himself to bed at night. After the bottle he'll chat away in his crib, completely content, then start sucking his thumb, and out he goes! However, those long stretches of sleep are behind us. He has been waking every 3 hours. The 4 month sleep regression, as they call it, is sadly upon us. I know he was going through a growth spurt but it seems as though we may need to start some sleep training. Praying he figures it out, we are able to help him, and that we all get some sleep pretty soon!

He still doesn't love to be set down during the dinner time stretch. He is tolerating car rides a bit more now that he has found his thumb. He still hates being hot and is often found in just his onsie, or in this last week just his diaper.

I absolutely love this age and it is by far my favorite. Cory and I are both just so excited to see what he learns next and it has been such a joy to us to watch him grow!!

// leah

Unusual Baby Names I secretly love

August 7 2016

I love, love, luuurrrvvv talking baby names. I don't know why it makes me so happy, maybe finding the perfect harmonious name strung together, searching for a not so common name, or just imagining those tiny people who have them..its just so fun! 

I've had hours that probably equate to days of staring at my son. And during those moments I've prayed for him, sung for him, and spoken his name a hundred times. I've wondered if he really looks like a Lewis, if he'll like his name, and if that name will fit his personality as he grows. It has also gotten me to think about my future offspring, Lewis' siblings and wonder what adorable name pairings (my sons Lewis and _____) I can come up with. 

I've thought up a few that are on our short list for future babies but I've also come up with a list I secretly love (and Cory publicly hates). C'est la vie. So I thought I'd share the unusual names I love that didn't make the cut. 

Ames meaning friend or beloved. I think a sweet little boy could hold his own with the dapper name. Cory said its a verb. 

Amos I think this is a strong name but rhymes with a word I just can't get out of my head when saying it out loud...

Winnie I love this name. Just sounds so dainty. Meaning fair one. Corys rebutle: like Winnie the Pooh?

Bucky My dads best friend growing up had this name and whenever I heard it I thought how cool! 

Wilder Sounds like a mysterious hunk of a guys name. Cory said that's not a name. 

Harvey I just picture the sweetest guy ever having this name. 

Penn Yes it is something you write with, thank you honey I had forgotten, but I think this could be the perfect middle name. 

Oak Same with this name. A strong middle name I thought. 

Brim Lovely for a little girl. 

Briar Definitly a girls name in my book, though I've only met a guy with this name. Makes me think of the pretty sleeping beauty. 

Darcy Heard this recently and just thought how perfectly sweet for a little girl. 

Names are so fun and really impact your life. You have it forever! Hopefully when baby #2 comes around we'll agree again! 

// Leah 

New Mom & The End of the 4th Trimester

August 6 2016

Photo by Nakalan McKay 

My son,

Wow. What an incredible time I just got to experience. I helped grow you, our tiny baby, and was blessed with 15 weeks to get to know him, myself as a mom, and the new normal that now is. It definitely came with a lot of challenges but it was overwhelmingly beautiful.

I loved getting to know you. Seeing you grow, not only in size but with what you can do. Being able to witness my belly swell as you formed and grew in my womb. To the day I was able to gently bring you into this world. Some favorite moments include your birth day. The moments I knew my body was successfully nourishing you. In the hallway, when you first smiled at me. Your first real laugh in the tub. How proud I was watching you learn to self-soothe at night and when you gave us those long stretches of sleep. 

I did hurry a bit those first few weeks. I just wanted you to sleep more, not on me all the time. I wanted our old normal of eating warm meals and watching tv with dad before going to bed. It took me awhile,  almost 3 months, to let go of all those expectations and to truly realize that this time, this time of you needing me, me comforting you, and of us slowly becoming two from one simply is the most important and the sweetest time of my life. Once I did, everything became more beautiful. I enjoyed you more, you enjoyed your days more and it was all that more special. So I apologize for that my son. 

But I am truly grateful I took all those pictures and videos during those early times because this time really did go by fast. You grew so fast! By this time you can already do so much. Your personality is coming out. Chatty and strong willed are your brightest traits. Completely opposite of your dad and I but also a little like your dad. So very excited to see how you'll grow into them.

I'm learning more and more that I truly love being a mother. I knew I always wanted to be a mom. But having you my son, my son, you make it oh so wonderful. The real mothering moments, the sacrificing my comfort for yours, the middle of the night feedings and the hours I've spent swaying you to sleep, those moments have made everything worth it. I wouldn't even say worth it because it is so magical; such a blessing, a gift, a privilege. Not work that was ever worth quitting. I entered into this knowing it would be giving of myself. I just didn't realize how much I would gain in the process. 

I've learned to let go. Let go of moments that really don't matter. Let go of little things that may have really annoyed me before. Focus on family and being intentional with the time we have. I've learned to truly invest myself into what I put my hands on; knowing that the harder you work for something the more beautiful it can be. All these things I've heard about and thought I was doing. But through our experiences I learned how much more of myself I could give. 

Two quotes I read recently ~

"In the intense years of a mother, God is molding us, bending us, and stretching us, and even halfway through, we won't be who we were at the beginning. And that's a feature God has put in motherhood, not a bug. If we were the same at the end as we were in the beginning, something's run amok. God is in the business of transforming us and motherhood is gospel means".  (abigail dodds)

The Lord is grooming me for grander work.

" We will not be mothers of little children forever. Lord willing, our work will grow with our children. Our challenges will change. Be a faithful student. God is not training you for no reason. Practice. Practice. Practice. But practice with thanksgiving. Practice with joy. Practice with gratitude. Practice with hope." (rachel jankovic) 

These have really become my anthems. I need and want to practice my mothering with gratitude and joy. With my changes of attitude I have already had more fun being your mother! So thank you. Thank you fro being patient with me. For showing your personality already and for being my first kid to practice this whole parenting thing on. 

love you, mom