August 6 2016
Photo by Nakalan McKay
My son,
Wow. What an incredible time I just got to experience. I helped grow you, our tiny baby, and was blessed with 15 weeks to get to know him, myself as a mom, and the new normal that now is. It definitely came with a lot of challenges but it was overwhelmingly beautiful.
I loved getting to know you. Seeing you grow, not only in size but with what you can do. Being able to witness my belly swell as you formed and grew in my womb. To the day I was able to gently bring you into this world. Some favorite moments include your birth day. The moments I knew my body was successfully nourishing you. In the hallway, when you first smiled at me. Your first real laugh in the tub. How proud I was watching you learn to self-soothe at night and when you gave us those long stretches of sleep.
I did hurry a bit those first few weeks. I just wanted you to sleep more, not on me all the time. I wanted our old normal of eating warm meals and watching tv with dad before going to bed. It took me awhile, almost 3 months, to let go of all those expectations and to truly realize that this time, this time of you needing me, me comforting you, and of us slowly becoming two from one simply is the most important and the sweetest time of my life. Once I did, everything became more beautiful. I enjoyed you more, you enjoyed your days more and it was all that more special. So I apologize for that my son.
But I am truly grateful I took all those pictures and videos during those early times because this time really did go by fast. You grew so fast! By this time you can already do so much. Your personality is coming out. Chatty and strong willed are your brightest traits. Completely opposite of your dad and I but also a little like your dad. So very excited to see how you'll grow into them.
I'm learning more and more that I truly love being a mother. I knew I always wanted to be a mom. But having you my son, my son, you make it oh so wonderful. The real mothering moments, the sacrificing my comfort for yours, the middle of the night feedings and the hours I've spent swaying you to sleep, those moments have made everything worth it. I wouldn't even say worth it because it is so magical; such a blessing, a gift, a privilege. Not work that was ever worth quitting. I entered into this knowing it would be giving of myself. I just didn't realize how much I would gain in the process.
I've learned to let go. Let go of moments that really don't matter. Let go of little things that may have really annoyed me before. Focus on family and being intentional with the time we have. I've learned to truly invest myself into what I put my hands on; knowing that the harder you work for something the more beautiful it can be. All these things I've heard about and thought I was doing. But through our experiences I learned how much more of myself I could give.
Two quotes I read recently ~
"In the intense years of a mother, God is molding us, bending us, and stretching us, and even halfway through, we won't be who we were at the beginning. And that's a feature God has put in motherhood, not a bug. If we were the same at the end as we were in the beginning, something's run amok. God is in the business of transforming us and motherhood is gospel means". (abigail dodds)
The Lord is grooming me for grander work.
" We will not be mothers of little children forever. Lord willing, our work will grow with our children. Our challenges will change. Be a faithful student. God is not training you for no reason. Practice. Practice. Practice. But practice with thanksgiving. Practice with joy. Practice with gratitude. Practice with hope." (rachel jankovic)
These have really become my anthems. I need and want to practice my mothering with gratitude and joy. With my changes of attitude I have already had more fun being your mother! So thank you. Thank you fro being patient with me. For showing your personality already and for being my first kid to practice this whole parenting thing on.
love you, mom
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