It does get better

August 28 2016

Every mom and grandmother I spoke to during those first few weeks would tell me, it gets better. Really? I don't believe you. You just like to say that because you think it will make me feel better. While in the throes of the sleep deprivation, adjusting to my changing body, and the constant-constant nursing, I didn't believe them.

Sure, it got better for you. But my baby is just crankier, fussier, [insert any negative adjective] than yours was. It may have gotten better for you, but it'll be like this till he's one. I really let myself believe that. Or really, I didn't let myself have hope that it would get better. Whatever better meant.

Nursing would be better, I'd love my body more, he'd be happier, he'd sleep longer... pssh. Whatever. I would say and think. Pretty negative and totally not like me. But that was where I was at. It was hard believing those, with their nice little grins, and glimmers of hope in their eye. I thought I was figuring things out with nursing, or with sleep, and then my tricks just wouldn't work anymore. I think my hopeless attitude would have continued except for one event I couldn't try and control. I had to go back to work.

The week before I had to go back, I had a little heart to heart with myself. Everything is going to be okay. And even if it's not better, that's okay, because we are doing okay. I told myself this over and over until I actually started believing it. I had to let go of my worries, my obsessions with his sleep, my grumblings of how tired I was. I had to let it go. Now, two weeks into being a working mom I've realized they were right. They were right all along.

Things have gotten ... better. He's growing and learning so much and can do so much more than he could a few weeks ago. He's sleeping a little better, he's happier; I feel like I'm a pro at nursing and I do feel more normal with this body of mine. I'm still just as tired, if not more; he doesn't nap any better, but overall he's happier and so am I.

I only wish I would have listened to all those veteran moms who told me it would be better. I might have enjoyed those months off with him a little more. I may not have broken down in tears as often. I may not have [whatever]... but you know what? I just couldn't. I couldn't believe them because I was living it day in and day out. It was hard to see any change when everyday seemed the same. Being a first time mom is hard, like really hard. And it isn't all sleeping babies and cute outfits; it's crying over little things that you can't control, questioning your actions every single day, but loving so deeply you can't not do it all over again the next day.

So to new moms out there who may be struggling like I did, I'm not going to tell you it gets better. I'm going to tell you that it's freaking hard work, those first few months. I'm going to tell you that you are doing a damn good job at it. I'm going to tell you that your baby is adorable and that you are beautiful. I'm going to pray for you that sleep happens and that those around you give you grace. I'm going to give you a hug and smile because now I know, it does get better. And soon you'll see that. But for now, give yourself grace, lots of love, and keep pressing on.

// leah